Once A Cheater???

While looking through the Idea Bank that AKludgyMom has put
together, I came across the question, “What would you do if your
spouse cheated on you?”. My first marriage ended because my husband
was unfaithful. I left him because he brought a girl home from a
club and had sex with her on the couch in our living room while our
daughter and myself were asleep down the hall. That was his second
affair. I swore I would never put up with a cheater again. After
all, as they say “once a cheater, always a cheater”, right? This
post is NOT about my husband cheating on me. It is about the
opposite, in fact. This post is about my transgressions, my
mistakes. In this post, I am the cheater. And I am ashamed. Even as
I type this my stomach is in knots thinking about the mistakes I
made and the pain I have caused my husband. I realize most people
have strong feelings on those who are unfaithful to their spouses
and some of you will probably judge my character based on this
mistake and some of you will even stop reading here. I am not here
to justify my actions, I am here to publicly apologize and take
responsibility for my actions. Judge me if you wish, you aren’t the
person I have to answer to at the end of the day. I am not going to
name names nor go into any details, after all this is a very
personal topic. My marriage hasn’t been perfect, obviously. Far
from it at times in fact. My husband is my soul mate, best friend
and the love of my life. But we have had to weather some pretty
nasty storms in the relatively short time we’ve been married. The
biggest for me (until now) was his drug addiction. I took pride in
the fact that I stood by him and was his rock through his recovery.
I didn’t just walk away when my marriage got tough, I stayed and
dealt with it. At least that is what I was telling myself and
others. When the truth is, when things were at their darkest, I had
doubts and had actually decided I was done. I found comfort
elsewhere. I found someone who was saying and doing all the things
I needed at the time, things that my husband wouldn’t (or couldn’t)
do or say because of everything he was dealing with. My short-term
affair ended over two years ago, quite abruptly. While there was
still guilt, I committed myself back to my marriage, pushed
everything else to the back of my mind & got on with my
life. A few close friends knew the details and I trusted that they
would never say a word. A few months ago, Tattooed Dad and I decided to
separate for the simple fact that we simply couldn’t seem to get
along. We were fighting all the time, if we were talking at all. It
was stressful and at times his anger scared me. We knew we needed
to work on our communication, but living on top of each other
didn’t seem to be helping. So he rented a 1 BR apartment a mile
away and we split visitation with the kids 50-50 so we could work
on our marriage. This separation was never about divorce. It was
always about repair. I am not sure whether other people were
confused by that or not. But, the man from 2 years ago showed back
up in my life through a mutual friend. He had his drama and I had
mine and we agreed we needed to just be friends until all the drama
was sorted out. We went with another couple to a football game one
night, but other than that I didn’t see or speak to this person. We
didn’t even exchange phone numbers. For whatever reason, my husband
and this mutual friend also began talking. I have to admit, she is
a good listener and gives good advice, but I also know he was
trying to check up on me. How the conversation started I don’t
know, but it came out that me and this man had been communicating
through this mutual friend. Of course that upset Tattooed Dad and
when confronted I explained the innocence of what had happened,
without bringing up the mistakes of two years ago. Well now that he
had this information, he went digging around with all my close
friends to see if there was more to the story. He manipulated one
of my closest friends and she spilled everything she knew. Again,
when confronted, I told the whole story. Of course he was hurt, but
luckily for me, he is also forgiving. We are working through this
and I know that in the end our marriage will be stronger than ever.
I am not upset the truth is out. Now there are no secrets. We can
move forward. I am not upset that he used manipulation to get the
information he felt he needed. We all do things when we feel we
have been betrayed to get all the information we can. I am not
really mad at either friend who decided to divulge the information.
I am sure they (at least one of them) thought that by telling him
they were helping the situation, which I guess is true. But what I
am upset about is that someone that I had been friends with for
almost 20 years didn’t have the decency to come to me and tell me
that Tattooed Dad was asking questions. At least give me a chance
to tell him first. I would have had a lot more respect for her if
she would have said, “He’s asking questions. Tell him or I will.”
But instead she was giving him every little dirty detail (some of
which wasn’t even true) while emailing me telling me things like
“he already knows, you should just be honest” and “as your
friend…..”. I think I could have even understood better if she
had told him while the affair was going on. I will never ever
understand why she (they) felt a need to bring up something that
happened two years ago and was long over. What I do know is that
this has hurt my husband. I had never seen him so broken. It broke
my heart to see him like that. I didn’t even care that much what my
punishment was, even if it was divorce, because I knew I deserved
it. But I wanted his hurt to go away. I knew at that moment that I
was truly, madly & deeply in love with him because his
pain, anger, and hurt was more important than any emotion I was
feeling. It hasn’t been easy and we still have a long road ahead of
us, but our marriage is going to survive. We want to be married for
the rest of our lives. We are in the process of slowly
transitioning his things back into our house and out of the
apartment. After that we hope to find a larger house more suited to
the size of our family. But it is all a process. We have had some
amazingly good days lately, but I know there are going to be bad
days along the road as well. I am sorry, so utterly sorry for what
I did and for hurting the man I love. But I am also extremely
grateful for the bond that Tattooed Dad and I have, that is just
getting stronger and stronger every day.

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4 thoughts on “Once A Cheater???

  1. Tammy says:

    I admire you for being able to write this. I, too, have been a cheater in the past. Judging from the many years that have passed during which I have been fathful, despite the many opportunities that have presented themselves, I have to say that the once a cheater thing does

  2. Tammy says:

    Aaag I hate this phone. As I was saying, I don’t think it applies to everyone. Nobody can judge us unless they have walked in our shoes.

    • Thanks for your positive response Tammy!! This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my personal life. But I needed an outlet to vent, the people I normally would’ve trusted and confided in were the ones that broke the whole thing wide open. & you are right, no one can judge. Not that it gives me a valid excuse, but you know how bad things have been at times. Thanks for understanding. I love you!

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